Listening to Understand

I recently received some feedback that triggered me. I was open to receiving feedback, as I typically am, and most of it involved praise and gratitude. But when some criticisms didn’t match what I agreed with, I immediately got defensive, shifting from a state of curiosity to one of righteousness, and eventually dismissing the critical feedback altogether.

After sitting with it for a while, I discussed the conversation with my wife, and in doing so, I realized that while I was accusing the person giving me feedback of being triggered, I was reacting from a state of being triggered myself. I also discovered that I may share a similar story with him, and I immediately saw the error in my ways. I was reacting to his feedback by justifying why I thought I was right, rather than listening to truly understand his perspective.

I reached back out to revisit the conversation, and upon fully listening to him and hearing his point of view, I began to see where he was coming from. I began to value his feedback, and I agreed with it this time. Funny how that happens. As soon as I let go of needing to be right, I not only learned something, but I also gained an opportunity to improve how I serve others. 

We found a common ground, not by agreeing to disagree or by compromising, but by letting each other speak for as long as we needed while the other just listened. I would be lying if I said this was a new revelation. In fact, it is a practice that I encourage my groups and clients to engage in regularly for deeper connection and closer relationships. Yet, I am human, and I still need to be reminded sometimes that my perspective is mine alone, and I am not fully serving others when I stick to it as the only one that matters. 

All of our voices have value, we all yearn to be seen and heard, and we would all be wise to truly listen to what others have to say. We just might learn something new, and it might even be about ourselves.

What have you learned when listening to understand?