Learning to Be Myself
From a young age, I was taught how to act in public, how to be polite, how to learn, and how to work. These were important lessons as the bases for many of our social constructs such as civility, order, education, and commerce. But, these lessons seemed to be aimed at serving a “greater good” predetermined by people other than me, for me without my input. I grew to reject authority, even those with the appearance of authority who had my best interest at heart. My rejection of authority was really just my soul longing to be me. My conditioning to look for answers outside of myself for how to best live my life has caused me to get in my own way.
My deconditioning process began when I started seeing things differently. My perception shifted slightly, allowing a light to shine on what I couldn't see before. At first, I didn’t recognize what I saw. I grew frustrated due to my lack of understanding. And, I felt afraid of what I was seeing: I saw that I could make small choices that, over time, would have a cumulative effect, ultimately leading me to a life that I truly want to live. While that sounds wonderful, the other side of this awareness is the sacrifice and responsibility that comes with it. Now armed with the knowledge that I could live differently, I was responsible for making choices to do something different and to be someone different. I needed to say a few yeses and a lot of nos.
To become myself, I needed to first find out who that person was, or so I thought. I began trying new hobbies, exploring new options for work, taking outer journeys to foreign countries, and taking inner journeys with psychedelics. While none of this showed me the answer to who I was, each place I went, person I met, and activity I engaged in gave me a clue that led me to the next. I began to see the world and myself with more curiosity. I began to get more excited for life! I began to invest more time and energy into myself and my creations rather than seeking escapes from the life I had not consciously chosen. To open up more space for this exploration of me, in the form of new interests, friends, and business ventures, I needed to say “no” to all parts of my life that were not aligned with the version of me that I was now tracking to. Then, “yes” came flooding in. I was learning more than ever before, I was feeling more fulfilled and alive than ever before, and I was running myself into the ground.
Over the past year of pandemic life, as I have continued learning to be me, the greatest lesson has been that of slowing down: surrendering to the flow of life, being present, tuning my awareness, and shifting when necessary. I have learned that I thrive with change, that I am at my best when I am creating new experiences and expressing myself in new ways. I have learned that the act of exploration is what I crave, and I want to deliver that gift to others. Self-exploration has led me to see myself for who I truly am beneath the stories and conditioning. Like the oil that accumulates on our skin over time, so does the influence of others. It is on us to wash ourselves clean often, to remove the dirt and cleanse ourselves of what does not serve us. This cleansing helped me see the bright light within, and though I’m still figuring out what it’s shining at, I know the direction it’s shining and am having the time of my life following it.
